Sen \u015fimdi \u0130stanbuldas\u0131n, hep oradayd\u0131n ya. Hem \u00e7ok yak\u0131ns\u0131n bana, hem \u00e7ok uzaktas\u0131n. U\u00e7ak u\u00e7u\u015fuyla bir saat \u00f6tedesin ama kalbin bana, y\u0131ld\u0131zlar kadar uzak ama kalbin bana, gen\u00e7li\u011fim kadar uzak ama kalbin bana, \u0130stanbul kadar uzak\u2026 Benim nerede oldu\u011fumu sorarsan, bende bilmiyorum. Sen gittikten sonra, ya\u015famad\u0131m. \u0130nanmazs\u0131n, ya\u015famad\u0131m. Mevsimler de\u011fi\u015fti, takvimler de\u011fi\u015fti, insanlar de\u011fi\u015fti ben ya\u015famad\u0131m. Uyudum uyand\u0131m, gezdim dola\u015ft\u0131m, yedim i\u00e7tim, sevi\u015ftim ama ya\u015famad\u0131m. Kiminle yatt\u0131ysam hep seni aldatt\u0131m. Seninle konu\u015fur gibi konu\u015ftum olmad\u0131, seni sever gibi sevdim olmad\u0131, seni \u00f6zler gibi \u00f6zledim, olmad\u0131. Olmad\u0131 b\u0131rakt\u0131m. Rahat\u0131m yerinde nispeten, belki merak ediyorsundur diye yaz\u0131yorum. A\u00e7 de\u011filim a\u00e7\u0131kta de\u011filim. \u00d6yle bir zamanda ya\u015f\u0131yoruz ki, kap\u0131n\u0131n \u00f6n\u00fcnde sava\u015f yoksa \u015fansl\u0131 bir hayat\u0131n var demektir. Hatta o radde ki, bazen utan\u0131yor insan ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan. K\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck bir \u015fehirde, kiras\u0131 kendinden b\u00fcy\u00fck, k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck bir evdeyim. Bir\u00e7o\u011fu ikinci el birka\u00e7 par\u00e7a e\u015fya, bir bisiklet, bir \u00e7o\u011fu sahaf birka\u00e7 kitap b\u00fct\u00fcn servetim. Kelimelerim var sonras\u0131na, haldan bilene. Belki bir yaraya merhem olur diye, yahut belki daha derine g\u00f6t\u00fcr\u00fcr diye. Yara ne kadar derine inerse o kadar iyidir, o kadar i\u00e7erden kanar, o kadar ac\u0131t\u0131r, o kadar b\u00fcy\u00fct\u00fcr insan\u0131.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ne i\u00e7in ya\u015f\u0131yorum, \u00e7ok d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcm bunu sen gittikten sonra. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc sen gidince ya\u015fama sebebimi de g\u00f6t\u00fcrd\u00fcn, kendinle. Kendini g\u00f6t\u00fcrd\u00fcn, \u00e7ocuklar\u0131m\u0131z\u0131 g\u00f6t\u00fcrd\u00fcn, k\u00f6pe\u011fimizi g\u00f6t\u00fcrd\u00fcn, d\u00fc\u015flerimizi g\u00f6t\u00fcrd\u00fcn\u2026 \u00c7ok d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcm bunu\u2026 Hem \u00f6lsem ne \u00e7\u0131kar, her yerde ba\u015fka bir sava\u015f var, her g\u00fcn binlerce insan \u00f6l\u00fcyor d\u00fcnyada, bende \u00f6lsem ne \u00e7\u0131kar, ne kaybeder ki d\u00fcnya. Babam dedi ki bir g\u00fcn bana, ben daha \u00e7ocukken, sava\u015f vard\u0131 yine o zamanlar bir yerlerde, insanlar \u00f6l\u00fcyordu anlamad\u0131\u011f\u0131m sebepler y\u00fcz\u00fcnden, hala anlam\u0131yorum ya neyse, \u00f6lenler i\u00e7in: O\u011flum dedi, bizim can\u0131m\u0131z onlar\u0131nkinden daha de\u011ferli de\u011fil\u2026 Gerisini hat\u0131rlayam\u0131yorum, \u00e7ok k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fckt\u00fcm ama c\u00fcmlenin bu k\u0131sm\u0131 ilk g\u00fcnk\u00fc gibi akl\u0131mda kalm\u0131\u015f, neden bilmiyorum. Ne i\u00e7in ya\u015f\u0131yorum, \u00e7ok d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fcm bunu, belki bir g\u00fcn bana geri d\u00f6nersin diye ya\u015f\u0131yorum, beni ayakta tutan tek \u015fey bu ihtimal sadece, ba\u015fka hi\u00e7bir \u015fey yok hayat\u0131mda. Sende iyi de\u011filsin biliyorum, g\u00f6r\u00fcyorum. Foto\u011fraflar\u0131na bak\u0131yorum, seni kimse benim kadar tan\u0131yamaz. \u0130yi de\u011filsin biliyorum, bunda benimde pay\u0131m var Allah kahretsin, biliyorum. Ama elimden bir \u015fey gelmiyor. Foto\u011fraflara sar\u0131lmak, \u00f6z\u00fcr dilemek m\u00fcmk\u00fcn de\u011fil, affet beni. Yan\u0131na gelebilmem m\u00fcmk\u00fcn de\u011fil\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u0130\u015fittim feryad\u0131n\u0131, k\u0131r\u0131ld\u0131 belim,
gelemek m\u00fcmk\u00fcn de\u011fil, ba\u011f\u0131\u015fla beni.
Didindim \u00e7\u0131rp\u0131nd\u0131m, kapal\u0131 yolum,
gelemek m\u00fcmk\u00fcn de\u011fil ba\u011f\u0131\u015fla beni\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Gelemek m\u00fcmk\u00fcn de\u011fil diye okur bu t\u00fcrk\u00fcy\u00fc Petra Nachtmanova, gelmek yerine. Neticede yabanc\u0131 bir kad\u0131n, anadili de\u011fil bu dil. Hor g\u00f6rm\u00fcyorum, alay etmiyorum hatta tam tersine, o kadar g\u00fczel oturmu\u015f ki t\u00fcrk\u00fcye, bir eski T\u00fcrk\u00e7e gibi. \u0130nan onun kadar g\u00fczel okuyam\u0131yor bu t\u00fcrk\u00fcy\u00fc, T\u00fcrkiye’de do\u011fmu\u015f b\u00fcy\u00fcm\u00fc\u015f anadili T\u00fcrk\u00e7e olan bir \u00e7ok ozan. Bir dili, bir \u00fclkeyi sevmek, t\u00fcrk\u00fcleri sevmek b\u00f6yle bir \u015fey\u2026 O kadar g\u00fczel s\u00f6yl\u00fcyor ki, ac\u0131 dayan\u0131l\u0131r gibi de\u011fil\u2026 Bu yaz\u0131y\u0131 bitiremeyece\u011fim san\u0131r\u0131m, \u00fczg\u00fcn\u00fcm\u2026
Yazamak m\u00fcmk\u00fcn de\u011fil, ba\u011f\u0131\u015fla beni\u2026<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Sen \u015fimdi \u0130stanbuldas\u0131n, hep oradayd\u0131n ya. Hem \u00e7ok yak\u0131ns\u0131n bana, hem \u00e7ok uzaktas\u0131n. U\u00e7ak u\u00e7u\u015fuyla bir saat \u00f6tedesin ama kalbin bana, y\u0131ld\u0131zlar kadar uzak ama [more…]<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":24364,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-24865","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-gundem"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/akdenizhaber.com.tr\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24865","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/akdenizhaber.com.tr\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/akdenizhaber.com.tr\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/akdenizhaber.com.tr\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/akdenizhaber.com.tr\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=24865"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/akdenizhaber.com.tr\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24865\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":24866,"href":"https:\/\/akdenizhaber.com.tr\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/24865\/revisions\/24866"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/akdenizhaber.com.tr\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/24364"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/akdenizhaber.com.tr\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=24865"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/akdenizhaber.com.tr\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=24865"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/akdenizhaber.com.tr\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=24865"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}